Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
..in a time of need;;i turn to the life i knew..
~wow. ok how long has it been since i've been here? i'm far too much of a myspace whore nowadays.. ha.. but it's so much FUN!! ;)
~so the past couple days has been, interesting.. to say the least.. i worked, of course, cause i have 40 effin hours, at SUBWAY.. haha so yeah..
~i felt really sick yesterday for some reason.. it was weird.. but it passed and never fear, i am a-ok.. ;) ha i was working with connie and jeremy dyer came in again.. i said i'd wait on him so i went up to the counter.. he was ordering his sandwiches when the door dinged again and in walks his little brother.. now see, i had thought nate had almost died of a heroine overdose and had brain damage.. but of course, i could be an idiot and that was nick kearenan that that happened too.. i don't know.. but either way.. nate has ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with him and he was GORGEOUS.. ha i had a HUGE crush on him in high school so i was like 'woah, hot'.. see, the thing i always loved about the dyer kids is that, they were popular yes, but they were also ALWAYS so nice.. for real.. anyway..
~so nate said he didn't want a sub but asked if jeremy could have a side of banana peppers with his.. then he asked if the mobile sold beer.. ha yeah.. we chatted and of course, nate had NO idea who i was.. see, we never talked in school.. he was a year behind me, and not only was he quiet (cause he just was and well, cause he was usually effin stoned ha) but we were in ridiculously different social circles.. so yeah.. connie said something i mentioned that it was ok, cause i went to school with those guys so i could shoot the shit with em.. nate was like "you went to school with me?" and i'm like, "well, technically i graduated with your brother, but yeah.." he asked my name and of course, turned out he remembered my cousin dan.. they were in the same grade.. but of course, he really had no idea who i was.. i really only hung out with ami and melissa.. i was really one of those wallflower kids.. the only thing i let myself out at was drama.. so yeah.. he was so nice and so cute.. seriously, still SOOOOOO gorgeous.. actually, he may be better now.. ;)~ hehehehe next time jeremy comes in ima tell him that i had a huge crush on his lil brother in school.. haha
~then today, was inventory day and our inspector is coming soon, so jan had her son, nick, come in and fix a couple things.. nick happens to be nick stemen, who also was a grade behind at montague.. and tonight, he chose to bring john with him again.. as in john kroll, as in, my ex bf.. hahahaha of course john was giving me shit and being retarded (yeah, he has a rebel flag tattooed on his leg.. makes me giggle) and they hung out for awhile after fixing the thing they had to fix..
~well jan walked out with them to give nick the key to silver lake cause they were gonna go do a few things out there.. and she comes back in and goes "hey amber, john wanted me to mention to you that he's looking for a new roomate and was wondering if you'd be interested.." i was like ::JAWHITSFLOOR:: wtf!?!?!? hahaha i busted out laughing, i couldn't even help it.. at first i thought it was joke, ya know.. cause he made some piggish comment about cleaning being a womans work, which i think he was joking, but still.. ya never know.. and so i thought it was just a funny ha ha type of thing.. nope, turns out he's serious.. he was like "she could switch to the whitehall subway.." ummmmmm o.O why the hell would i want to move in with my EX bf from like, almost 10 YEARS ago that i only dated for like 2 weeks and whom i haven't seen since i graduated!?!?!? weird shit.. i told jan to tell him i couldn't move to whitehall, but thanx for the offer.. i wanted to say "tell him if he wants to sleep with me so bad, he could've just asked to hang out sometime instead of asking me to MOVE IN with him.. it'd be a lil less weird..." ha not that i think i'd have sex with him anyway.. o.O again, kinda weird.. tho, he still isn't really bad looking.. ha
~ok, la de da.. weird day..
~jamie also came in today with bubba.. it was SOOOOOOOO nice to see them.. i miss them so much :( ever since nathan broke up with me i've not seen much of his family.. and i miss them!!!!!!!! i absolutely LOVE them.. when uncle bill came in i was ecstatic.. so of course, jamie and i chatted and i asked (cause i'm far too fucking nice) how nathan was doing.. cause he was at her house watching the other kids while she came up there.. she drove his car too so i FINALLY got to see it.. ha! SOOOOOOOO ugly.. it's a 1985 FIERO!! it's older than he is and it looks like a damn matchbox car.. the spoiler is almost bigger than the car.. it made me giggle.. jamie was like "don't worry, i laughed too.." ha.. bubba was showing me all the weird lil things about it.. and me and jamie were chatting.. she told me to come see her ANYTIME i wanted, that i was welcome there whenever.. awesome.. :) i miss hanging out with them.. i also made a bit of a joke about nathan hating me and she goes "he doesn't hate you.. trust me.." and bubba goes "no, he's just an IDIOT" haha bubba just turned 12 today.. he's so kewl.. ha.. anyway.. jamie said something like "i think he just got paranoid.. seriously.. he realized how serious things were and he got paranoid.. he wasn't ready for that, he's not at all ready for a serious relationship.." which, pretty much is what i figured out anyway.. i told her not to ever tell him cause he'd prolly hate it, ha, but that i figured it all out, cause i know him better than he thinks.. ::sigh:: ridiculous this whole thing is..
~but i love jamie.. she's seriously one of those type of people that, even tho nathan is her family, if he's being an idiot or he's wrong, she's not going to back him just because he's family.. she didn't back him on the thing with me, especially how he treated me for awhile.. and she still says he's an idiot, but that he's just not ready.. and she's scared about him leaving..
:( which i knew.. and it makes me sad.. but he DID tell her about my accident.. which totally destroy nate's whole "he never talks about you, doesn't even mention you" thing.. so HA! of course he wouldn't talk about me to a GUY friend.. pssh.. boys don't do that.. but obviously he talks about me, at least a lil, even if it just a mention of something that happened to me, to jamie.. :) that makes me feel a bit better, cause it kind of proves that no matter what anyone else fucking says, i'm right about that whole thing..
~anyway.. so yeah.. weird couple of days.. for sure.. and i'm a bit tired.. i have to go in 2 hours early tomorrow.. ima have almost 50 hours by the time i'm done >:)~ that rocks.. mmmmm money.. and karaoke sunday.. i went to michaels for karaoke this past sunday.. so much fun :) and maybe i'll go friday or saturday night, depending what time i get out, see if hottie jared is there and maybe i can hit on him this time ;) hehe
~i need to flirt.. for real.. i haven't in a LONG time.. i have to force myself a bit, weird as that is.. cause it's weird, it's like, i don't even want too.. i'm totally broken.. ew..
"..said i don't know if i've ever been good enough..
i'm a little bit rusty and i think my head is caving in..
said i don't know if i've ever been really loved, by a hand that's touched me..
and i feel like something's going to give and i'm a little bit angry..
well, this ain't over.. not not here..
not while i still need you around.."
~so i haven't had a lot to say as of late.. i'm unsure why.. it's not that there's nothing going on inside this little head of mine.. quite the contrary really.. tons and tons of things and ideas swirling and spinning inside this skull.. i just haven't had the energy or drive to type them out.. nothing very exciting ever happens around me.. my excitement flew out the window on a cold breeze on a frosty night quite some time ago.. i wouldn't even begin to know where to look for it.. when to try to track it down.. in my recent experience i've rather come to the conclusion it does not want to be found anyway.. so the efforts would be fruitless..
~i'm sort of tired all the time.. maybe i don't sleep well enough.. i never really do though.. there was a time i did.. or at least, i slept better.. at least 1 to 2 nights out of the week anyhow.. it's been a long time though.. or at least it feels like it.. my bed is old and uncomfortable.. full of lumps and breaking points.. it doesn't really know the right way to hold my form anymore.. so i think it's given up.. maybe furniture mirrors the human way.. maybe it can kind of reflect our feelings and emotions.. or maybe it can't.. which is more likely.. but i feel the same.. as though i can't hold any kind of real form anymore so i just kind of give up trying.. i'll just continue to do what it is that it seems i am meant to do.. if i don't do it well, well then i guess that's just the fault of repetitive occurence.. going through the same thing day in and night out.. you can only push something so far you know.. before it bends beyond recognition or just breaks altogether.. things, furniture, people.. give out.. it's the way it is when we all have been built..
"..said i don't know why you ever would lie to me..
like i'm a little untrusting..
when i think that the truth is gonna hurt ya..
and i don't know why you couldn't just stay with me..
you couldn't stand to be near me when my face don't seem to want to shine..
and it's a little bit dirty well.. don't just stand there, saying nice things to me..
cause i've been cheated, i've been wronged..
you don't owe me.. well i can't change.."
~there was a time when things made sense.. i never really thought i would find such a time.. i never thought things in my life could EVER make sense.. i'd made so many messes in the past.. left so many things behind.. been left behind so many times.. it was all the same.. a continuous forward motion of leaving..
"..i wanted to see you walking backwards and get the sensation of you coming home.. i wanted to see you walking away from me.. without the sensation of you leaving me alone.."
~i start to feel sometimes that i'm that one girl.. you know? that one that boys seem to like sometimes.. good boys, beautiful boys.. they see something in me that sparks something.. or touches something.. in my past i have been very blessed, very lucky to have some wonderful, amazing boys take interest in me.. some i have experienced, others i did not, and even some, well, maybe i didn't even really know about.. but you see, what happens is this.. they see something, cause maybe, just maybe i have that little quality that someone would really truly want, that GOOD thing.. i was told by a boy once that i was a "good girl".. this made no sense to me at first.. i'm not really that "GOOD".. not that i'm "BAD", but you know.. and he said "no, you're a GOOD girl.. you have a GOOD heart.." and it clicked.. it made me smile.. blush.. flutter a little in my tummy.. because maybe he was right.. maybe i was GOOD in there and sometimes, they see it..
~so then a beautiful boy will walk into my life and tell me things.. things any girl would want to hear.. and maybe they mean it.. maybe it's true.. or maybe it's just a story like some boys do.. either way.. say they DO feel it.. say they DO see that thing, that GOOD thing inside me.. and they try to attain it.. maybe i let them.. maybe i don't.. maybe i let them at least get close enough to REALLY see, or feel it.. but then.. this is what happens, it fades away.. the GOOD thing.. the GOOD heart is never enough..
"..no one will ever love you as much as i do.. why isn't love enough??.."
~..it's that one thing that all guys really want, maybe that most guys really need.. but yet, they walk away from it.. because it gets old.. maybe it's not as exciting as it could be.. it's GOOD, but the BAD is so much more enticing.. so they bathe in it, bask in it, really take the time to feel it and then they leave it.. they hand it back to me in a cute little pouch with lovely little designs on it, tied with a handy little drawstring with an "i'm sorry...(insert silly or off the wall excuse here)..." and they walk..
~so many times this has happened.. everyone who has left me has left me with the same kinds of words echoing in my ears.. how great i am.. how wonderful i was to them.. that i never did anything wrong.. that it was just wasn't the right time.. that it just didn't feel right, right then.. on and on.. you know what? i think THAT hurts more.. to know i did nothing wrong.. to be told that i'm still SOOOO great.. "but sorry babe, i gotta leave you here, with your heart broken in your hands anyway.. bye.."
~i am tired of this.. i'm tired of being GOOD.. i'm tired of being EXPENDABLE.. i'm tired of being what they need, but at that time, no longer what they want.. so what can i do, you ask? or i ask.. well, probably nothing.. this will be my own private Hell.. a lifetime of being left because there was something bigger out there.. maybe it wouldn't always be better, but BIGGER.. i won't hand out my heart again for a long, long time.. i haven't even fully gotten it back from the last time.. it's kind of floating in a limbo between there and here.. what i was, what i had, to what i am and what is not.. do i understand any of this silly love business? not in the least.. will i ever? well, you know, probably not.. i don't know if i'd say i did better being alone for over 5 years, or experiencing and trying.. i won't try anymore.. i won't look for anything, in anyone, anywhere.. my eyes are blinded by an idea, by a long lost love, by a moment, by a few words and a gentle touch of my face..
"..oh but don't bowl me over.. just wait a minute..
well it kind of fell apart things get so crazy, crazy..
don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby.. baby..
i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will..
i wanna push you down, well i will, well i will..
i want to take you for granted, yeah yeah yeah.."
~sometimes i think those boys, those long lost ideas and beautiful things i got to hold in my arms and my heart for awhile, well i think maybe they think about me.. once in awhile it just kind of flits into their minds and they wonder maybe, only how i am.. or what i am doing now.. it's usually time and more time down the road from my pain from their restless life that this happens.. why do i think this? not because i think i'm so great.. not because i think they just can't go without thinking about me.. no, nothing like that.. i just think, they're human.. and if they really did leave me thinking so highly of me, it's only logical to think that once in awhile, i might cross their minds in the years and months and days beyond.. it's only natural..
~also because sometimes i will come home, to a note, waiting for me.. a note made up of 3 words.. and a million thoughts swim away again.. cause sometimes, when they think of me, they even pick up the phone and call.. maybe even from over a thousand miles away..
~"amber, jacob called."
~i pray tomorrow brings sunshine..
..i feel like i should sympathize;;but i'm dead inside..
~so much information and not nearly enough strength or energy to sort it out or make it make sense..
~it was a weird day.. an odd weekend.. really, kind of, a strange week..
~i found out someone i care very deeply for stole from me.. i confronted him and though it went "well", the trust it gone and the hurt is real.. i've become a lil more straight forward with most things and not getting it straight from him was never an option.. i was seething at first, but it ebbed slightly by the time we actually talked, which was good, because i do love him to pieces, but damn..
~i've discovered i'm not just emotionally numb, but physically as well.. this is kind of sad.. i've never been so deeply and terribly hurt that it made my body numb to the touch of others.. it's very very strange.. i'm thinking it out tho and deciding how to deal with it..
~i saw nathan on thursday.. he was a lil more friendly than the previous few times.. which was nice.. he's bald.. ha! i asked him if i could touch his head.. he said sure.. it was funny.. he put a hat on like, right after that.. self conscious much? ha good..
~got some weird information last night.. and then more information to add to it today.. a series of unfortunate events i guess you'd say.. i feel a bit like i should feel bad, for someone.. i don't know who, but yet.. i really don't.. ::shrugs:: i don't have it in me..
~dan (nathan's dad) came into subway today.. i hadn't seen him since the week before nathan and i broke up.. he was like "hey amber! how are you? what have you been up to?" jamies kids (bubba and zack) were with him.. we chatted a bit.. i couldn't help but mention that his son doesn't really speak to me anymore.. he asked me why that was and i said i had no idea at all.. he just shook his head and said "well, i'm very sorry for that" and i'm like "yeah, me too...".. i don't get tho, why, everytime i see a member of his family they find it imperative to tell me that he's going into the army.. ha.. dude, I KNOW.. ::sigh:: it was nice seeing dan tho.. he's a great guy and he was so sweet to me.. all the time.. shit, him and tracey bought me a Christmas present.. so nice :)
~corey (matt's cousin, a friend of nates) stopped in today to "say hey and see how i was".. ????? o.O i didn't know we were friends.. i mean, i've met him.. he's a nice guy and all, but i've only been around him like, 3 times? and he saw i was working and stopped to say hey and chat i literally just looked at him and said "ok, for real, what do you want corey?" and he's like "why do i have to want something to stop and say hi and see how you are??" and i'm like "well, i don't know, i mean, cause i didn't really know we were friends?" he seemed a bit offended.. but i didn't mean it that way.. it's just, the truth.. weird.. he gave me the whole "well you know where i live, you should stop by sometime.. hang out.." thing when he left.. again, o.O..
~nate and sam stopped in also.. that was nice :) it was sam actually who gave me the extra information to add to last nights.. nate was like "you didn't hear it from me.." and i'm like "no, i didn't.. i heard it from her" sam was like "yeah.." haha they hung out awhile.. just visiting.. i felt loved :) i do adore nate.. i swear, he's like, my best friend as far as this group of people is concerned.. i am very grateful for him..
~my throat hurts.. that makes me mad.. it better not still hurt tomorrow.. i am NOT all about getting sick.. thanx..
~i got creative last night.. wrote 5 poems.. i think i'll share one here.. maybe more later.. but this one i like.. it's a lil more neutral than the others.. we'll see..
skin can die too
no one told me
i laughed at the idea
and when it happened
it ended there
for when a heart
that's barely awake
can beat even
as it's breaking
the walls around it
can also end
you can touch me
all you want
i don't mind,
it's no big deal
see what you will
search a bit deeper
do you feel that?
one of us has to.
~so yes.. ok.. i think i'm out for now.. i might try to go hang out with nate tomorrow.. that sounds fun.. corey all told me he had thought, that after nathan and i broke up that me and NATE were going to hook up.. o.O i laughed without trying to be mean.. i love nate to pieces, but um, it's not like that.. he tries to help me with my love disaster.. i try to help with his girl things.. that's how it is with us.. we're good like that :)
~i'm starting to ache.. i don't get it..
..good night my lovelies..
"flesh and blood needs flesh and blood.. and you're the one i need.." ~johnny cash
..i envision things;;pretty things..
~so ya know what i decided would be a magnificent way to live? in a moderately sized motor home.. travelling from place to place.. getting small jobs to make money and moving on.. living in a camper, kind of roughing it.. the life of a gypsy.. how amazing.. so FREE.. you could do whatever you wanted.. see all the things you want.. experience things most people only dream about.. this would be lovely.. i wish i had the planning power to make a life like this possible.. i feel like i need to leave again.. i feel like i've just hit a place where i have to search farther and wider.. i want to live in a small town, but i don't think this is the one.. i came back here for a reason.. i strongly believe in the "everything happens for a reason" thing.. and i believe there's a bigger reason i came back here.. i may have found it, i may not.. it is still to be seen.. but do i think i was meant to stay here forever? no.. i do not.. i feel at home, but not ROOTED, ya know? this will always be the place i consider my "home", but i don't know that i'll live here forever.. if i had my way, if i had the means, i would be leaving very soon.. i've worn out my welcome once again.. i want to be in the mountains.. i want to see the ocean.. i want to go far and wide and see things i haven't seen and experience things again that i only saw briefly.. i want to meet all kinds of people.. live amongst all kinds of people.. there's so much out there and i'm being restricted by this small space.. this place of quiet and melancholy feelings.. there are beautiful people here.. i've found them and held onto the ones who would let me, and i'd never ever let them go.. but i want to be FREE.. i don't want anyone to hold me down.. i want to love when i love and leave when i leave..
~oh to be a gypsy..
~i saw yet another person i graduated with tonight at work.. jeremy dyer.. i have not seen him since the day i walked out of montague high school for good.. i kind of thought he was somewhere bigger and better.. i didn't want to say anything at first, but then i chose to stop being quiet all the time and said "jeremy dyer right?" and he goes "yeah..." and ruth looked at me weird and i go "i graduated with him.." and she goes "do you remember EVERYONE you graduated with??" and i'm like "uhhh, there was only like 80 of us, so pretty much, yeah.." and he goes "wait.. amber? right?" and i told him yeah and he goes "YES!" and did the goofy arm thing.. no one really ever remembers me.. they figure they do, and most of them are right, but they're always unsure.. ha ya know, i kinda like it this way ;) anyway.. we chatted a bit, talked about who we've seen and not seen and things such as that.. he said he had gotten out for awhile, but ended up back.. i said the same thing had happened to me.. but then i mentioned that i think i'd be attempting to get out again before my life passes me by.. he said that was a brilliant idea.. ha he was always a pretty nice guy..
~my mom bought a new tv.. one of those flat screen LCD tv's.. or whatever.. ha it's weird looking.. it looks so COMPACT next the monster of a tv we've had for YEARS.. it's cute tho.. i like it.. and with MY tax money i'm buying a dvd/vcr combo.. we NEED one of those.. (that sounds so materialistic ha) but especially since sands sent me like, 3 new dvd's, INCLUDING "corpse bride", i need a dvd player now.. ha ;)
~the phone works again.. that is nice.. i guess all the wires outside in our phone box thing were corroded and busted to shit.. so they didn't even charge for it.. :)
~i love painting.. i'm lame..
~i miss ashes.. why isn't she on??
~i want to talk to sands!! i want to thank her over and over for my lovely care package!! haha
~are you listening?
~(ha, total hanson cliche, wowimissthemtoo)
~ok, i'm out.. i'm cold.. peace my love..
"..there's someone for me somewhere.. and I still miss someone.."
"..we should go back, it's cold and you're shivering.."
"..i don't think that even half of it is from the cold.."
..sometimes i try;;sometimes i really fly..
~i don't even know why i attempt to update this thing.. nothing ever happens to me.. ha..
~actually, today i got a lovely surprise..my mom told me i got a package and it turned out to be from sands.. she had told me she was sending me something.. hehe ;)she had said she was sending me a "little something" actually.. ha so i opened it and omg, it was seriously like CHRISTMAS!! sheesh! she sent a lil card with it saying she knew i had been having a rough time and she hoped this would help.. in the box was "charlie and the chocolate factory", "corpse bride" and "don juan demarco".. then howie day's "live from.." EP, a johnny cash cd.. a cd case and 4 burned cd's in it.. the eagles greatest hits, johnny cash "the legend of johnny cash", dustin and jesse's new ep and the doobie brothers.. and then a sneak preview thing of "elizabethtown".. i was seriously so excited.. and these cd's kick ASS.. on "the legend of johnny cash" is the song "highwayman" with willie nelson, waylon jennings and kris kristoffersen.. :) EEEEEE!! this is great.. for real, sands is like, OUTSTANDING!!
THANK YOU SANDS!!! ::HUMPS YOUR LEG:: :)~
~then while i was at work nathan's aunt rhonda and his lil cousin zack came in.. she didn't recognize me at first with my hair up and stuff.. but zack looked at me and was like "it's AMBER!! HI!" he's jamies 10 year old.. it's jamie's kids that i got so close to cause we were there all the time.. i love those kids.. for real.. we talked a bit.. rhonda mentioned how nathan was going into the military soon and i said "yeah, i know, that's why he broke up with me" and she just kinda nodded and gave me this 'i'm sorry' look.. i looked at her and said "i miss nathan a lot..." and she goes, "yeah, i know how it is, i miss my husband frank a lot too.." i wanted to cry.. i hugged her when they left and told zack to be good.. :) i really REALLY miss all his family ::sigh:: :( not even going to go into how i miss him.. dear Lord..
~but other good news.. ashes is more than likely going to be coming up here to see me around the first week of march.. i am SOOOOOOOOOO excited.. i haven't seen her since 2003 and she's never been up here.. i really cannot wait to see her.. i miss her tons.. yay! ashes.. :)
~i'm so cold i'm shivering.. ew.. i hate trying to type when i'm shaking like this.. saturday i have to be at my aunt traci's by like 1p.. yay.. but people are going to come visit me that night.. it should be good times.. :) hopefully..
~i think hopefully, that the phone will be back in commision tomorrow.. ::crosses fingers:: i hate this no phone thing.. ew.. i need to call shell soon..
~speak, danielle and dick came into subway tonight too.. that was nice :) i'm going to go over there after work tomorrow with corpse bride.. i know danielle hasn't seen it, i don't know about speak.. but yeah.. they HAVE to.. :)
~ok, i think that'll be the end of this.. too cold for this typing thing.. blech..
"..i'll fly a starship.. across the universe divide.. and when i reach the other side.. i'll find a place to rest my spirit if i can.. perhaps i may become a highwayman again.. or i may simply be a single drop of rain.. but i will remain.. and i'll be back again and again and again and again.."
..this is taking my time;;it's killing my mind..
~i feel as though i'm backsliding.. everytime i feel like i'm ok, and that things are going to get better, something else happens.. something else reawakens the truth in me.. i wake up from terrible nightmares and i feel shakey and disoriented.. or i wake from beautiful dreams and feel just as lost as if it'd been the other.. memories flood my mind at all times.. i see things every moment of the day.. i can't stop them, i can't control them.. sometimes they make me smile.. other times they bring on this deep ache that i can't fight off to save my life.. some from years far gone.. others from only moments just passed.. it doesn't matter.. but it all hits the same chord.. sometimes i see the things i love and hate the most.. and that is just incomprehensible.. i can't stand this falling back feeling.. i just want to be strong again.. i want to see what i saw, i want to feel what i felt, i want to know what i knew.. and it's hard.. i can't do this kind of thing alone.. not THIS.. i want to make someone understand.. i want someone to really SEE.. but i don't know if that's possible.. people don't really understand other people.. it's not in our genetic make up.. it's not how we're supposed to do things.. we can try, and we will.. but never, ever will we ever really get that other persons feelings.. it's not allowed.. it's just not right..
~i wish someone could.. i seriously wish i could put my mind into someone else's head for a few minutes.. that's all it would take.. just a few moments.. but alas, that'll never be and so i will have to just continue to try to explain it all and hope someone at least SORT OF gets it.. ::sigh::
~i see a thing in my future that i'm scared of.. i imagine things that touch my heart.. but i don't know if i'll ever get there.. ya know? it's hard to know.. you just have to have faith, believe in something.. right now, that's my problem.. i believe in practically nothing.. i have faith in something higher, but that's about all.. besides that i have no belief in anything in front of me.. none of it makes sense.. i have lost my faith in one of the strongest things to ever touch mankind.. that is going to be a very hard thing to get back.. i don't know for sure that i will..
~i make no sense.. i know this.. i'm sure you'll read this and have question marks in your eyes and wonder exactly what i'm meaning and maybe think you know, but you'll probably be wrong.. cause that's just how it works.. no one will ever get what i'm saying.. they won't see.. they can't.. they weren't there.. but Lord, i do wish at times, that you all were.. it'd be so much easier for us all..
"..you were needing a love like me.."
"..that's why i'm wondering why you had to tell me what's going on in your head, what's wrong.. come around to another time when you don't have to run.. and when she says she wants somebody else, hope you know she doesn't mean you and when she breaks down and makes a sound you'll never hear her the way that i do.."
"..i know she needs me.. about as much as i need someone else, which i don't.. and if need be.. i swear someday i'll up and leave myself, which i won't.."
"..tell me where i begin.. you can't deny what's already been.. oh i won't break but i can bend.. shaping the skies that i can mend.. feel your fingers around my throat.. there's nothing but bones beneath my skin.. somebody break my fall, i'm slipping down all over again.. i'd do it all over, taking my own sweet time.. i may make it slower, but i'm taking my own sweet time.."
..taking away that twisty feeling;;the timing just ain't right..
~ok, so i think i have decided that 2006 is one blow hole of a year.. seriously.. how many bad things can happen in the first month or so of a year to make you want to crawl out of your skin and disect your own brain?? i mean sheesh.. first off like, 3 people died that were close to people i love very much.. than my boyfriend, the best thing to ever happen to me, breaks up with me totally demolishing what's left of my heart.. one of my oldest friendships begins to crumble.. then i come home from work at night to feed my snake just to find, lo and behold, she's no longer a resident of her aquarium.. HJRLAJRKL JASKLFJO AJSIOFJ LSKJFLA ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
~i have NO Idea how she got out.. and i have equally no idea where the hell she is.. there's no blood or pieces upstairs, so the cats didn't get her.. i have lots of boxes in my room, so she could be in any one of those but alas, i was too damn tired last night to tear them all apart.. she could be up in my box spring, but again, too tired and my back was aching like a mother, so i 86ed the idea of literally uplifting my bed to look for her.. there isn't much in the rest of the upstairs.. an old couch ryan left, and i looked inside that with a flashlight the best i could.. the one closets door was closed so, not there.. the other closet is this lil, creepy thing with rafters and cobwebs and insulation, so if she got there, yeah, she's as good as gone.. i don't believe she would have gotten downstairs without my mom somehow noticing.. a dog and/or cat would have freaked out and she was home all day.. so bleh.. i have NO idea.. i swear, how many times is this now that she's done this escape routine?? it's just getting old.. i wonder if i'll get her back this time..
~turns out (i believe) that our phone line is just effed up.. my mom said she was going to buy a cheap base phone to check and if it wasn't the phone, she'd take it back.. welp, i got home and the old phone is back up, but the line is still out.. so i'm guessing, yeah, our line is jacked.. i don't think it's shut off considering when people call it just rings.. ARGH! so i'm going to have to find a way to call them tomorrow.. this just cannot go on.. nope..
~i cannot seem to get myself into a good mood.. i wake up tired as shit and cranky.. i just want to stay curled in my bed, under the covers.. people irritate me beyond explanation and work is just an annoyance because of it.. matt klotz (an old grade/middle school friend) came in tonight.. he had come in a few weeks ago and he'd remembered me (i haven't seen him since, prolly 99 or so) and we chatted.. welp, he came in tonight too and i waited on him and i was being coy and snippish with ruth (not AT ruth, just with her ha) and i put on this huge fake smile and was like "back again eh? wow.. you love subway.. EVERYBODY loves subway.." and he kinda laughed and goes "wow.. cheer up.." and i'm like "i can't, it's been a TERRIBLE year.." but it was nice to chit chat with him again.. we were never really FRIENDS persay, in school.. i had this off and on crush on him for years.. he knew it, but he was always nice to me.. he's a good guy.. he got married and had kid about 4 years ago.. ha.. kinda weird..
~now i'm sitting here considering what i should do.. no one is on to talk to, and i'm enough of a loser to be home on friday night.. but it's ok, cause i'm exhausted and i have a hair appt rather early tomorrow.. i just hope danielle is still able to go with me.. either way, i'm going to stop and see michelle.. she's prolly tried to call and i miss her.. :( so yeah..
~ok, enough of me.. i'm rather cynical and well, mood dampening aren't i? ha.. sorry bout that.. i think..
..i left this flailing, falling, failing, calling;;for you..
~wow, so i haven't left my house since sunday morning.. sad.. but see, my phone decided to break on sunday and so i haven't been able to call anyone, or get calls and so yeah.. i just haven't felt much like running out and trying to find something to do.. especially since i dont get paid until tomorrow and gas is limited.. bleh..
~so i guess really, i don't know why i'm updating.. i have nothing to say.. nothing happens inside these walls.. it's really rather sad.. i've been dinking around with this new computer, which i guess was not ryan's dads, but my mom just went ahead and bought it from walmart.. now i owe her a couple hundred bucks whenever i can, which of course, i will.. hopefully my W2 from fishdaddys will get here soon so i can file my taxes.. i've got michaels and subway.. mom says i should make an appointment and get it done at H&R block instead of trying to do it myself, since i have an out of state one.. i might.. i really don't feel like effing with it myself this year.. it certainly won't be as much as the last couple years.. owell ::shrugs:: any money is good money...
~speaking of money.. my aunt traci wants me to house/dog sit for her for a week while her and my uncle wayne go to cancun.. she said she'd pay me and i could just live at her house for a week, in hart.. which would help with the gas to work thing for at least a week.. ha.. i think i'll prolly do it.. i need to let her know.. hmm.. it's the week of DUN DUN DUN, valentines day tho.. o.O.. that kinda scares me.. stuck in a house by myself on a day that is sure to be absolutely WRETCHED beyond all comparison to the years previous.. but then, if i'm in hart i'll be nearer to people to hang out with and maybe take my mind at least a BIT off of it.. ::SIGH:: who knows.. have i ever told anyone how much i DESPISE valentines day?? i don't care if it's a "consumers" holiday.. it still makes me sad and feel pathetic.. yep.. and this year, omg, way worse.. thanx life..
~what a silly worthless post this was.. ha.. i think i'll leave on that note.. ta ta for now..
..i fluttered, i fell;;i floated softly towards this..
~so yeah.. i havent updated in awhile.. owell, so i'm slightly sad and pathetic.. ha..
~we got a new computer.. omigosh, you have no idea how kewl this is.. ha we even have windows XP instead of crappy ole windows 98.. ::big grin:: i guess we're buying it from my brothers dad.. for like, $400 or something.. it's nice.. it's an emachine.. flat screen.. it's kewl.. :)
~my gram left for north carolina today.. she's visiting her sister for awhile.. it'll be good for her, except, see.. she flew out at like 5am this past morning and we got a weird message from her niece saying she hadn't "found" her yet.. needless to say, we're all worried.. no one has called since, and we kind of figure if they hadn't been able to track her down they'd have called.. but still!! they should have called to let us know they DID track her down.. it's kinda scary to think of my poor gram wandering around some airport lost.. sheesh.. i'm sure she's ok tho.. i just hope they call tomorrow or something.. o.O
~so i'm trying something new tomorrow.. something i've never really done.. i am going to get up at 830a and go to speak and danielle's house and go with their mommy, fran, to church.. i'm kind of reevaluating my faith.. and really, kind of SEARCHING it.. i've never read the Bible or went to church other than the few times my dad and stepmom made us and that was just sunday school.. so yeah.. with a lil help from rachel down in tulsa (THANX AGAIN!!) i'm reading the Bible.. she sent me a day by day kind of list to help read it in the right order and get it all in in one year.. it's really actually rather fascinating.. ha i've had a Bible for YEARS now and never read it.. i'm kind of sad.. but anyway.. so i'm going to explore this.. and no, i'm not going to become one of those Bible thumping, over bearing Jesus freaks or anything.. take your deep breaths of relief now.. it's just something i'm going to learn more about and make a bigger part of my life.. i prolly won't seem much different to anyone though, not EXTREMELY anyhow.. ;) i think this is good.. and i think it's important..
~i have another hair appt.. i am SOOO excited.. cause i'm a geek and have no life.. anthony says being excited about getting my hair cut makes me an okie at heart.. ???? ha lost me on that one.. it's really only going to the same hair cut, just shorter.. more like the pic.. we went on the safe side since i was all scared from my traumatizing experience when i was 15.. but this time, ima say go for it.. my hair grows FAST and it's almost back to how it was before i ever cut it.. so yeah.. and i think i'm going to have some color done too.. not sure yet.. but i'll be sure to get pics and such so my lovely friends from far away can see how perty i am ;) ha.. i hope anyway.. the appt is on the 4th.. saturday.. i have to be in whitehall by 2, but i think i'll live.. danielle is going with me.. and then we're going to the mall cause i DESPERATELY NEED a calendar.. i hate not having one.. and oh yes, you guessed it, i am SOOOOO getting starbucks ;) mmmmm...
~this weekend so far has been rather boring.. me and danielle hung out for awhile last night.. me, mom and gram went to aunt trudi's for dinner and then gram stayed so trudi could take her to the airport.. we sat around chatting, drinking wine (me and trudi anyway) and listening to johnny cash.. how lovely.. :) uncle jim was kinda shocked to hear that playing on his stereo when he got home.. ha i went to dani's right after dropping mom off and we just kinda chilled and then went to mark and kathleens.. everyone we hang out more or less was there.. kathleen, nathan, steven, jason.. mark got home a bit later and nate and corey showed up also.. and of course, baby eli :) he is so effing precious.. for real.. ha it was a chill evening.. the boys played halo 2 all night (effing dorks) and me and kathleen ended up playing a rather heated game of checkers.. haha that was interesting.. she's a very nice girl, i like her a lot :)
~nathan was a bit quiet last night.. it was funny cause the "state of mind" i was in made me look at him differently.. like it usually does ;) and it was odd how i seemed to see the boy i had seen so many times this summer and early fall.. it was like i was transported back in time almost.. i'm sure it was just the haze in my brain, but ya know.. it happens.. and he was lovely.. and it made me sad.. it made me long for earlier times when things were happy and exhilerating.. i watched how the people around him responded to him and that, also, made me sad.. but that is something i can't really explain.. not here anyhow.. he was almost the boy i had met months and months ago, but yet, there was something missing.. something different.. he looked more lost.. more unsure.. more pained.. it really kind of hurt me to look at him.. but yet, i wanted to take him in my arms and just hold him and whisper as many times as it took for him to believe, that it's all going to be ok.. he's done so much for me, and i just hope and pray that somehow, i'm able to repay him.. if that makes sense.. i listened to his laugh and was reminded of many summer nights in the woods, hanging with "the kids".. it was really rather nostalgic.. odd how things work out.. i have no real understanding of much of anything right now.. least of all him.. but i think i'm going to be ok with that.. it's going to work itself out.. the wrinkles will flatten and somehow, things will make sense.. i hope soon, for a wonderful friendship depends on it..
~really, i haven't much else to say.. i've found myself wanting to hang out with nate lately.. he's got a softness to him that kind of says he'd understand, or at least listen.. he's a good guy.. i'm sorry for the way our friendship began, but we're past it and even tho he says he's disappointed in himself everytime he looks at me, i told him not to worry about it, cause we're kewl.. :) small world moment: his lil sister, sarah, is in a relationship and having a BABY with a boy i graduate with.. clinton cooper.. funny shit.. she messaged me on myspace to ask if i knew him.. i guess she's due in like, a month.. weird.. clint, a dad.. and with one of my now friends, lil sister.. strange..
~i'm still mulling over the things matt said to me earlier this week.. it was so shocking really.. i didn't expect to hear such things from him.. but he used to have this lil "thing" for me i guess you'd say.. that's how nathan put it when he told me about it in october.. ha the same night he told me that HE had a thing for me too.. (no i'm not trying to brag).. but anyway.. matt actually came to me with this admission the next night.. he said he thought i was one of the kewlest people he'd ever met and he was interested in knowing the "status" of my relationship (at the time, with jeff) and said he wanted to get to know me better even if jeff and i were still together.. but that if we WEREN'T, he really wanted to get to know me better and see what might happen.. i told him i was still with jeff.. and we talked a bit more and that was that.. well he held onto this lil crush of his or something.. and when me and jeff broke up matt knew about it, and tried flirting with me, but i was already in the process of falling into nathan's world.. matt actually was kind of pissed i believe, cause one night he got drunk and started running his mouth about me and nathan and i almost had to beat him.. i was at danielles the other night and matt called her cause he was drunk and upset about something and he needed to talk.. well he found out i was there so he asked to talk to me.. and then he started spilling about how he still wanted to get to know me and blah blah and that i'm one of the most amazing people he's ever had the priviledge of knowing and he really REALLY would like to see if things could go further and if there's a chance of a relationship for us someday.. i was like !?!?!?!?!?! i told him i was kinda shocked he was still even thinking about it.. he said he never stopped thinking about me.. i really REALLY did not know what to tell him.. part of me wanted to say "matt, you're great, but i don't want to be with you.. i want nathan.. and even if nathan doesn't want me anymore, my heart is still there and it's going to be that way for awhile.." but of course, i couldn't.. i also wanted to tell him not to get too hasty, cause nathan had said the same kinds of things about me being so amazing and one of the kewlest girls he'd ever met, and yet, look what happened.. nathan thought i was great, then he spent all kinds of time with me and welp, of course something changed.. so yeah, it was just, odd.. i know this much tho.. there's no such thing as the possibility of a relationship in my future at all, not anytime soon.. yeah.. still, matt? woah..
~ok, i think i've vented enough now.. and i'm gonna head out.. so yeah.. take care my darlings..
"..well there's things that never will be right i know.. and things need changin everywhere you go.. but till we start to make a move to make a few things right.. you'll never see me wear a suit of white.. ahh i'd love to wear a rainbow everyday.. and tell the world that everything's ok.. but i'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back.. till things are brighter, i'm the man in black.."
..i say follow your heart;;you say follow your head..
~so what do you do when your heart is telling you something.. and it's so strong and so loud that it literally reverberates throughout your entire body and being? most of the people i have come to know and love agree with the "follow your heart" saying.. because it's always your head that gets you in trouble.. you start THINKING too much and you twist things into something they're not.. lately, i have to admit, i've been doing A LOT of thinking.. but only in the sense of need.. there are things that MUST be thought about.. considered and taken seriously.. but then, when it comes down to it, and you think you have an answer, you ask your heart.. so i've been thinking about a situation that is serious and painful.. and i've wrapped my mind around every which way.. just as he did.. but i decided my heart is telling me something that is right.. my heart has never really steered me wrong.. it's my head that got in the way.. when i decided to let it try to say my heart was wrong..
~"my heart tells me you're worth anything in the world to me".. he said that to me.. and now i feel it the same as he did.. my heart tells me he is the one thing i was meant to find.. or meant to find me.. i actually was never looking for this boy.. he was a boy i saw during the summer.. he was cute and funny and that was it.. been then i talked to him.. and i realized he had something i had been searching for for so long.. and he was willing to give it to me.. he had heart, strength, realism, logic, understanding.. he accepted my weaknesses but helped me improve them.. he called me on my silliness when i was just being ridiculous and trying to get my way.. he did all of this with unfaltering love and i felt it.. i heard it in his voice, i saw it in his eyes, i felt it when he touched me.. he told me that he has his beliefs and i have mine.. and he'll always let me know what he thinks, and i may not like it all the time, and he may be a dick here and there but i'd learn all that and we'd accept each other, cause that is what love is.. and it made so much sense..
~he fell into my lap out of nowhere.. i had had a bf all summer.. a boy i was crazy about for quite awhile.. we even talked of marriage.. but that boy had a dream.. and he told me his dream was to go to a specific school in cali but that he knew that wouldn't happen cause of money.. he said he wouldn't be going to ANY school for AT LEAST a year.. so i felt better.. but then, out of nowhere, he DOES get to go to the school of his dreams and all of a SUDDEN he gets to leave in a month.. for 15 months.. it bothered me, but i knew, the minute he told me it was not going to last.. we didn't have enough foundation, we didn't have LOVE.. and love is essential to get through TIME.. i knew it was over.. it hurt, but my HEART told me instantly that i was not going to be able to hold on.. and then here comes this other boy, out of nowhere.. looking like heaven, acting as an angel out of nowhere.. he was my strength through my doubts and then, when the inevitable happened, and my relationship ended he was there.. and he held me and he talked to me and made me see things.. and HE GOT IT.. so we grew.. we became friends and i saw something in him that knocked me on my ass..
~he spoke of fate when we learned things about our pasts that linked us.. he spoke of us being made for each other.. he told me of how i was the best thing to ever happen to him.. he told me i was the first girl he'd loved and he truly believed he was in love with me.. i thought i'd be scared.. i'm ALWAYS scared of seriousness.. there hasn't been a time in awhile that i haven't felt nervous or uneasy at the talk of something SERIOUS.. i was even nerved up at the talk of serious issues with the bf from summer.. but i never felt the nerves.. his talk of love and fate and being made for one another didn't scare me.. it made me feel giddy and light and happy.. and i discovered i was falling into the same place he was in.. he wrote me poetry.. bought me gifts.. whispered sweet nothings.. held me.. kissed me.. told me everyday as often as possible that he loved me.. and i fell in love..
~my heart told me it was ok.. my heart said this was it.. this was the kind of thing that was supposed to be.. that my summer relationship was meant to deteriorate because i was meant to find this other boy.. he aggravated me.. we debated.. and i loved him all the more for it.. he made me better, he made me want to be more than i knew i was.. and i loved it.. i had never had someone be so REAL and so GENUINE to me in a relationship.. and all the while, showing me the love i had always longed for, always needed, always dreamed of..
~so now my heart tells me that whatever we were supposed to accomplish together whatever it is that we're supposed to learn and be, has not quite happened yet.. cannot happen in just 2 months.. there's more.. my heart tells me.. he told me repeatedly that he loved me.. that it was nothing like that.. that he was acting on a fear.. that it was something he felt had to be done to keep him from ever being the thing to ruin my life..
~the military.. that's where his destiny is taking him.. and he fears the worst.. he says "what if something happens to me? what if you wait for me and i just have a day of bad luck and your life is ruined?" yeah yeah yeah.. what if what if.. i see the point.. don't think for a moment that i don't understand the risks.. but to me, he's worth it.. and i HAD thought about it.. i went over it with my head and my heart.. and in the end, my decision was that he was worth that risk.. our love was worth that risk.. but i have my own what if's.. what if he never gets sent over seas? what if he does, but nothing happens to him? what if he comes out of the military totally unharmed? his answer to that? "well then i'll look back and regret breaking up with you tonight.."
~EXACTLY.. and regret is one thing that hurts more than most pain i have felt.. and i don't want to risk THAT..
~does that make me wrong? naive? silly? maybe.. but prolly not.. he's got his points, and i've got mine.. i saw his, but i have to make him see mine.. and somewhere in my heart, something tells me, it's possible..
~i am in love.. i am in love with a boy that i think was made for me.. and he is in love with me.. isn't something like that worth any risk there is?
~"i know.. that a life without love.. is no life at all.."
Dear God in Heaven.. please grant me strength..
..i've never felt more like a hanson song in my life;;too bad it's this one..
just a simple conversation
but i've memorized each line
the way you hold your head when you're smiling
gets me everytime
ooh, love you take my breath away
there's one thing i have to say
i'll never love again.. again..
i tore up all the letters that you wrote me
i packed up all your things
but i can't stop myself from hoping
when the telephone rings
ooh, it's funny how i feel this way
and all that's left to say
i'll never love again..
i'll never love again..
i fly around the world
angel wings unfurled
and kingdom by my side
i'd give it all away
for just a single day
that i could use
to change your mind..
so when i see you next time
please don't cause a fuss
cause i still haven't told all my friends
about the two of us
well all of this is yesterday
and all that there is left to say
i'll never love again..
i'll never love again..
i will never love again..
~never love again~
..don't ask, don't assume, there's so much to say..
..grief strikes hard;;even when you are looking..
~tonight i witnessed and felt an emanating sorrow so deep from a group of people so new to my life.. and it hurt me.. such a short time have i been getting to know them and yet, when i looked in their eyes and heard their choked breath it ached inside of me and i felt like i was going to break apart somewhere.. i felt tears threatening to pour and i fought them back knowing i needed to be strong.. this isn't really my heartache and loss, not personally, but yet, it is.. and i feel it.. it's just not as deep as theirs.. of course.. but i wanted to be something solid for nathan to lean on.. someone that he could crumble to if need be.. and i am a bit scared.. i don't know how to do this.. i don't know how to act, or what to do to be what i'm needed right now.. i've never had to go through this.. to suffer with someone, or so many people, that i care about.. the days, weeks or however long it may be, ahead are going to be hard.. and i'm going to be all that i can and do whatever it is that i need to to be nathan's strength.. he needs me and i do not want to let him down.. i love him, and while he's hurting, he needs to know that even more.. and his family as well..
~uncle frank was a beautiful person.. i barely knew him, but what i knew was wonderful.. he told me how he approved of me with nathan and that he believed it was a great thing.. i saw him last on Christmas night, just over 2 weeks ago.. now, he's gone.. i thank God that i was with nathan when it happened and he had to hear the news.. and i hope, and pray that so far i'm doing a good enough job.. i also thank God for having been able to meet uncle frank..
please grant me the strength and ability to be strong and sensible and understanding.. to be what is needed of me at this time of pain and confusion.. to be there for these new people in my life that i care so much for.. i pray for You to be with them and grant them strength and wisdom and understanding when they need it the most.. i pray for uncle frank.. that he is happy and healthy again now and that You care for him and hold him and let him know that You will be there for his family as they grieve.. i pray for Your love and grace and all that You have to grant all those who need You so desperately.. i also want to thank you for giving me the oppurtunity to know uncle frank, if only for such a short time.. it was a blessing..
in Jesus name i pray this..
Jan. 9, 2006..
..may God be with you and you with Him.. remember how much you're loved..
2. Date of birth:
3. Where you live:
4. What makes you happy:
5. Currently listening/the last thing you listened to:
6. Do you read my journal?:
7. If yes, what makes it especially good or bad?:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/do you have a crush at the moment?:
10. Favourite place to spend time:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. The best time of the year:
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song, or album:
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Look at my friends-list and tell what you like about one of our mutual friends:
4. Put this in your journal so that I can tell you what I like about you
..::sigh:: life can be so scary..
~nathan's uncle frank isn't doing well.. :( for those of you who don't know, frank has lung cancer and emphysema.. nathan told me on halloween that this last year would prolly be his last halloween.. he's 53 and he looks like he's pushing 70.. nathan spent the day with him and i guess he's started hallucinating and such.. it's scary.. i just keep praying for all of them that they can find strength through all of this.. uncle frank is a good man.. and it's sad.. my heart is with them all..
it wouldn't let me put them all together, so i'm doing them seperate.. :)
..snatched from ami.. ;)
..shake me up baby..
You're an Etch-a-Sketch!! You're the creative,
artsy type who doesn't need to actually utilize
a single muscle group in order to have fun.
Doesn't matter though, you're still cool.
What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
..news years and all that jazz..
HAHAHA! hell yes dude.. this makes me happy :)
~my news years was relatively mellow.. i closed subway and got out at 10.. i SHOULD have gotten out at like, 930 at the latest, but NO, marcie is a bit of an idiot when it comes to getting shit done..
~i went to jamies and got nathan and we went to his house.. i showered and, with whitney and her friend in tow, we left.. we went to johns first to say happy new year and all that.. then headed to jessicas.. we got there at a lil after 1130.. greg passed out champagne and we did a toast thingy at midnight and then nathan kissed me :) eeee! my first real new years eve kiss from a bf!! ha.. ::coughsnerdmomentover:: we sat around playing Balderdash and just hanging out.. i didn't really drink seeing as i was driving AND i had just gotten over the flu and my tummy was a bit iffy still.. speaking of which, i am STILL coughing from that shit.. and now i believe nathan may have it :( poor baby.. he started throwing up this morning and asked me to take him home at about 1030.. the poor dear.. i TOLD him he was going to get sick.. he kept saying "i don't care, i don't care".. sheesh..
~i worked new years day too, closed and such.. it was a pretty boring day really.. nathan stayed over last night, obviously, and that's about that.. ha! nothing interesting has happened what with the flu running my life for a damn week.. but other than the cough, i'm back to normal and i get paid on wednesday and i'm going to go see my lovely ami this week :) speaking of which,
AMI~~ any chance wednesday or thursday would be ok to come, since i get paid wed and it'd be better to have money? :) i have both those days off :) let me know!!! LOVE YOU!
~so yeah, anyway.. it's raining outside.. yeah, like full fledged THUNDERSTORM !?!?!?!? weird.. but ok.. ::shrugs:: and yeah.. i think that's about it right now.. i need to call nathan soon and see if he's ok.. :)
~take care my lovelies.. be happy!! :)~
..you said those words that cut my heart;;it's done and now the hurt..
~so i had an alright night until about 130a or so.. i worked and all kinds of people came in.. otupa, michelle, miles and steven, wookie and then at the very last minute, chris and X! yay! i was excited to see him.. i hugged him all tight and i ended up talking to them for 20 minutes instead of closing.. oopie..
~i then made subs for danielle, speak and matt s and went to their house.. we were hanging out when the phone rang.. it was jeff.. he's home for Christmas and he'll be here until the 6th.. we talked for quite awhile.. he said he plans to come up and hang out and he wants to hang out.. i was like 'ok'.. he said he hoped i didn't hate him and that he hopes it's not weird.. then it went bad..
~he asked about me dating anyone else.. and welp, i figured it'd be best to be honest.. so i told him i am.. and he asked if it was someone he knew.. i told him yes.. there was talk, and then i finally told him it's nathan.. he freaked out.. i guess he really didn't like nathan BEFORE, now he hates me.. and well, between all kinds of hurtful words, such as "i can't hang out with you now" and "i had something against him before and now it's a million times worse" and such as that.. i told him i didn't blame him for being a bit upset.. but then he asked to talk to danielle.. and then he had her tell me that i was "trifling" and i'm like i'm WHAT!?!?! matt explained it to me.. so in other words, i'm scandalous.. which i don't get.. but what the fuck ever.. danielle ended up giving the phone back to me and he said "what i was trying to say to danielle is that you're scandalous, trifling and i don't want to see you or talk to you and i hate you.. so yeah.." and there was more argument, me talking low asking him if he REALLY wanted to be like this and him just going off and he repeated himself.. he doesn't want to talk to me ever again, see me ever again, and he hates me.. plain and simple.. and when i asked, one more time if he really intended to be like this about it, he hung up on me in the middle of the question.. i told matt s most of it and he pretty much said jeff was being pretty damn immature.. i told speak a bit too, just so he wouldn't be surprised if he saw jeff, and speak said "wow, that's um, a lil dramatic.."
~so yeah.. he hates me.. i totally expected him to be upset, but i never EVER expected this.. but then, i've never had an ex totally hate me and say it, so i guess i'm due.. ::sigh:: i think it's really a lot of the fact that it's nathan.. i'm sure if it was some random guy he never even heard of, he'd still be upset, but not like this.. whatever.. i almost don't fucking care anymore.. he acts like i did it ON PURPOSE.. that i went out searching for someone else just as soon as i could.. please.. *I* didn't expect nathan, it just HAPPENED.. and what am i supposed to do!? sit here and wallow and wait for jeff? wait for a relationship that prolly wasn't ever going to rekindle and he more or less SAID that!? no.. i'm sorry, but there's no need for that.. i had my "mourning period" during the time from when he left pentwater for the last time until sometime not long before we broke up.. by the time we actually said the words and it was done, i was past the mourning.. i knew it was over, i knew it had to that way and it's how i wanted it.. it was a MUTUAL FUCKING AGREEMENT.. to fulfill his dream he had to make a sacrifice.. and that sacrifice just happened to be me.. it's not the first time, i'm used to it.. it had to be done.. i didn't hate him for it.. i felt better about it really..
~I don't know, fuck it, i'm not going to try to explain.. i'm going to try to justify.. i'm done with that shit..
~he hates me.. what can i do? it hurts like a bitch, but that's life ain't it?.. yeah.. peace and all that shit..
..i tried like burning fire to reach into your heart;;you told me it was already in my hand..
~so it was a rather lovely Christmas after all :) although i worked on Christmas eve, (i closed subway and we closed at 6) it was a good night.. i left there and went to jamies to get nathan.. he asked if i wanted to run to his house to shower before heading out to his cousin jessica's for the Christmas party.. i asked him if i smelled bad and he just sniffed me and said "like a sub.." and i'm like "oh, so you dont want to take me around your family all smelling like a huge sub or something??" and laughed and goes "nope, i don't.." and smiled and kissed me.. he said that really tho, i could shower at his house if i wanted.. so we ran there and i jumped in cause damn do i EVER smell like a huge ass sub after work.. ew.. i got dressed and ready and we headed out..
~we stopped at my aunt traci's to see kara and tell her happy bday (OMG, my baby cousin is 21!!!) and gave her a hug since she's moving to chicago in a few weeks.. we then went to jessica's and i had prolly the best time i could possible have had with a family not my own.. :) there was a house full of people.. kids running around.. champagne and wine.. snacks and goodies.. let's see if i can remember who all was there:
uncle frank and aunt rhonda, uncle dave, uncle bill and aunt char, steven, mark and kathleen and eli, jessica and greg and madison, jamie and bubba and zach and mariah and kayla, jeremy and his gf, chris and annie and hannah, amanda, laura's kids debbie and hayleigh and dylan.. and i think that's it.. and me and nathan.. they all gave me hugs and said Merry Christmas and thanked me for the cards.. i had a glass of champagne and a few snacks.. we all visited and then jess asked if we wanted to play a game.. so me, nathan, jeremy, kayla, uncle bill, aunt char, greg and jessica all sat in the living room to play "catch phrase".. omg, that game is so fun and hilarious.. ha! then chris and jamie joined in and then steven and amanda.. we played for awhile, char stating that she did NOT like to lose.. haha it was girls against guys.. more or less the game fizzled out after awhile but people still kept playing with the disc and playing amongst themselves.. funny shit..
~nathan got a camera for Christmas from uncle bill and aunt char so of course he burned up the whole roll last night.. nerd.. i called my dad and talked to him on jess' cell phone for awhile before we left.. that was nice :) finally people began to head out and each one of them gave me another hug and said merry Christmas and such.. so sweet :) nathan and i left at about 1130 or so i guess and i took him home so he could get some sleep to go with his mom today..
~today my brother woke me up at 730 and said mom had managed to get a small Christmas together and she wanted us to get up.. so i got up, peed and got some coffee.. there were 3 gifts for each of us under the tree and a few lil things in our stockings.. it was so nice :) mom managed to get me the holiday barbie too, which is the only gift i would have been a bit bummed about not getting.. ryan left for his dads, gram laid back down and i visited with mom till about 1030 or something.. then laid back down.. i got up a lil before 3 and hung out with gram till mom got back up from HER nap.. then nathan called at about 530 and asked if i wanted to maybe come get him at his moms and do something.. so i said sure..
~i grabbed some egg nog and peanut butter balls for aunt char, cause i promised and some peanut butter balls for aunt traci and uncle wayne cause they didn't get any.. i went and got nathan, (his mom surprised me by saying Merry Christmas and her stepdaughter giving me some goodies she made, cheyenne, who i'd never met before even hugged me and said Merry Christmas).. we stopped by traci's and i dropped off the pb balls and then went to uncle bill and aunt chars.. of course char fed me, mmmm, turkey.. hehe and we visited.. then we went back to nathan's cause uncle frank and aunt rhonda and uncle dave were there.. nathan got a few gifts and i talked to rhonda and frank..
~i had never really talked to uncle frank before.. but this is a bit of a sad story.. he's only 53 and i tell you, he looks like he's pushing 70.. he's got lung cancer and i guess there's more or less no saving him.. they said this will more than likely be his last Christmas.. he called me over to talk to him a min and then took my hands.. he just sat there kind of looking at them and holding them.. rhonda looked at us and i said "he's trying to warm up my hands i think.." cause i had told him they were cold.. and she goes "no, he's not.. he's kind of reading you, feeling for your vibe and all that kind of karma stuff.. " and smiled.. i was like oh.. ok.. kewl.. so he did that and he said something that i didn't quite understand.. and then he goes "it's a hard world, i should know, i'm a dying man.. but what i'm doing, is making space.. making space for the new ones that maybe someday you and nathan can bring into the world.." i wanted to cry.. i mean, how sad is that!?!?!? :( the poor guy.. i could tell it was kind of pulling on dan and nathan's hearts to look at him.. he held my hands a moment longer and then looked at me and said "i hear that his mother doesn't approve.." and i said "no, she doesn't.." and he goes "well, the next time she has anything to say about it, you just look at her and tell her to come talk to frankie about it, and i'll let her know how it is " and he winked and smiled and kissed my finger tips.. it was really heart wrenching.. i thanked him and he let me go and i went back to talk to nathan..
~we hung out awhlie longer and then nathan said we had to get.. frank was feeling goofy so he said "hey amber, i just wanted to let you know that i have to approve any girl that wants to see my nephew and i to that, i have to see you in the nude.." i was like ?!?!?!? hahahahahaha i laughed and said "well, how about a hug to start?" and i hugged him goodbye and he said he was just teasing and said to have a wonderful night.. rhonda had also told me how lucky and then changed it to BLESSED i am to have nathan, that he's a rare kind of guy and i am truly blessed.. i told her i absolutely agreed :) i hugged dan, tracey, aunt rhonda and uncle dave good bye too and we left..
~we stopped back by uncle bills to drop something off, then went to jamies.. then we had to go to mark and kathleens for awhile.. so we did that.. i LOVE kathleen.. she's so sweet.. and eli is just about one of the CUTEST babies EVER!! we stayed there about an hour and then went back to jamies.. hung out awhile longer and then i headed out.. nathan, john, bubbu and zach are going to boyne mountain snowboarding tomorrow.. they're leaving at like 5a and then coming back REAL late tomorrow, if they come back at all.. they might stay the night..
~now i'm a bit tired out and ready to relax a bit.. all in all, it was quite a lovely Christmas weekend.. i guess also, dan and tracey are having a lil Christmas party for me and nathan on saturday morning.. i have to work at 2p and close at 9 and then we're heading to jess' house for a new years party.. :) it should be nice..
~so yes, anyhow.. i must sleep or something.. i hope you all had wonderful holidays and tons of beautiful moments and such.. i know i did :) and i'm very thankful.. i love you all.. Merry Christmas, and until next year.. MUAH!
..the weight of the world;;you sleep on my pillow..
~so i'm sitting here, trying to be quiet drinking water and boiling eggs.. ha! nathan helped me put the lights, garland and beads on my tree and we're saving the rest till later since i have no hooks for my bulbs.. bleh, how silly.. so ima pick some up tomorrow when i got get the fixin's for peanut butter balls and egg nog :) (i totally reverted back to oklahoman there HA!)
~nathan had an early morning and a rough day so he's all asleep in my bed right now.. poor thing.. he totally passed out in the chair watching tv.. started snoring a lil, all soft.. SO cute.. ha.. i woke him up to get him upstairs and he buried himself under the blankets and conked right back out.. poor thing.. he said he had a terrible day.. :( he's so precious when he sleeps tho.. why the HELL don't i have film right now!? argh.. ok.. so yeah.. film tomorrow, fine, i can wait.. sheesh.. ha
~but yeah, i'm going to eat a couple boiled eggs and then yeah, head back upstairs i guess.. ::Shrugs:: :) hehe
~take care my loves.. MUAH!!
..love falls like a shooting star;;you're my wish..
~so i have 4 days off.. welp, today is day 2 so far, but ya know.. ha! i get paid tomorrow and i am so way excited about that.. money is good.. i'm sure it won't be the most money i've ever seen, but owell, i'm seeing it and that's all matters!! i want to go see jenn and kayleigh.. eeee! i miss my niece! but it'd be nice if she would write me back!! ARGH! haha
~i'm prolly going to be going to get nathan at some point tonight.. i asked him if he wanted to crash here tonight.. fran gave me her artificial tree (even tho i really don't like them much, but hey, it's better than NO tree) and i put it together last night.. i thought it'd be kinda fun for him to help me decorate it.. i know no one else will.. maybe mom.. ::shrugs:: haha
~i think i'm going to go get in the shower soon.. i have a bit of a headache.. ewww.. i have headaches all the time, this blows..
~OOH! michelle called today.. she went and found out the sex of the baby today.. she's having a GIRL!!! EEEEE!! hehe another niece! and i get to be the nanny of her!! her name is going to be skyla marie.. i am so excited.. and she's WAY excited cause she wanted a girl so bad.. ::DANCES::
~ok, i need to go.. get in the shower.. such as that.. much love to you all.. ::KISSES::!!!
ta ta for now dear
PS> i'm so happy.. i can't even express or explain.. but this is good :) ::SIGH::
..you smiled with a snowflake on your nose;;and the world melted..
~what a lovely evening. :)
~today i had the day off and nathan had money so he wanted to take me to a movie.. OF COURSE we decided on "walk the line".. we've both been wanting to see that since long before it came out..
~i picked him up at jamies at about 6 and we were planning on stopping by dani's to see her so we took off.. we hung out at frans for a few minutes and then invited danielle to go with us since she looked bored and like she just needed to get out.. so we took off.. sometime between when we left frans and got to ludington the weather went STRAIGHT to hell.. ew..
~the movie started at 705.. we got our tickets, nathan bought us drinks and me chocolate covered almonds (MMMMMMM) and we went and sat down.. the movie was BRILLIANT.. omg, it was a beautiful movie.. i knew it would be.. nathan said it was a wonderful movie and i got all teary eyed at the end and it just, wow.. they did a great job.. we were bopping in our seats when he sang and me and nathan totally sang "ring of fire" to each other when he sang it.. so awesome.. if anyone has NOT seen "walk the line", GO! NOW! omg, it's great.. haha i need a johnny cash CD like, yesterday.. and oh, it was kewl as shit to see shooter jennings playing waylon.. rock the hell on ;)
~we left the theater after putting our coats on and headed out.. nathan asked for my keys and told me and danielle to wait inside while he warmed up the car and cleaned it off.. well, dani had to smoke so we just stepped outside.. nathan had taken my chapstick from me in the movie and used it and then stuck it into the pocket of his coat that i've been wearing.. so of course, standing out in the cold, i reached in to get it and lo and behold there's a box in there.. i was like ?!?!?!?!!.. so i pulled it out and dani is watching me and nathan is across the parking lot cleaning the car off and i go "danielle... my pocket has grown something.." and it was a square black box and my heart like, started racing and danielle smiled and i go.. "did you know about this??" and she goes "yes" and i'm like "what is it!?" and she's like "well, it's cute.. but it's NOT a Christmas present.." (cause i told nathan i did NOT want anything cause i can't get anyone anything and that was after he'd bought it..).. so i opened it and inside is this beautiful silver bracelet.. it's got pretty casual links and then there's 2 lil cubin zirconias and then 2 silver hearts in the middle and he had my initials engraved onto the one.. it's gorgeous.. not too fancy, but pretty.. i felt like crying..
~at first i asked if dani wanted to put it on me and instead i decided to have nathan do it.. i walked to him and he could see that i'd found it, so he smiled huge and i smiled and hugged him in the middle of the parking lot and told him he was a brat and giggled and he goes "it's NOT a Christmas present.. it's just, for you.." and i'm like "ok.. it's wonderful.. are you going to put it on me?" so he did.. and he kissed me and it was precious.. i have never ever gotten jewelry or anything romantic or sweet like that from a guy before.. it was very butterflies in the tummy, flip you upside down kind of feelings.. it was, well, just wonderful :*) i haven't taken it off.. i don't know if i will.. i might just leave it on besides showering..
~we finally left i took them home, after stopping here to show my mom, she was thrilled.. haha of course.. and then braved the terror that was the weather back to hart.. dropped of dani in pwater.. took nathan to jamies and talked to her and his other cousin jessica (who is a total sweety) for a lil while.. jamie knew about it.. i guess her daughter kayla went with him to pick it out for help ;) she's like 8.. awww.. haha we talked about nathan's mom and such and i got to know jessica a bit..
~so yeah, i guess it's official.. nathan's mom just doesn't like me.. she can't get over the whole age thing.. she said she didn't like it.. then she asked to meet me.. then complained.. then said for him to bring me out there.. i finally met her, she was TOTALLY nice and i got along with her fine.. she told nathan she liked me, thought i was sweet and all this and then, a few days later started complaining again.. when nathan said it jessica he just said "well, mom doesn't like amber.. and that's just not acceptable.." so yeah.. he wouldn't tell me much cause he knows it'd bother me and i'd let it get to me.. he mentioned tho that she told him something about i was sitting at the bar area and the guys were over at the table shooting the shit and stuff and someone said something or did something and i was like "pssh, boys.." ya know, like saying how they can be silly.. and she laughed.. but i guess she took it all like i was saying nathan's a boy and all this bull.. dude, if it was a table full of 40 year old men i'd still say BOYS! that's just how i TALK!!!!! ::gettingannoyed:: and i just plain refuse to second guess myself and rethink what i'm going to say in worry of offending her or her taking it wrong.. screw that.. i will just not go around her.. and nathan has always had a weird relationship with his mom.. she's got this attitude where she likes to instigate fights and shit and then she HAS to have the last word and i guess she pisses people off ALL the time.. so nathan said when she gets like that, he just steers clear for awhile.. and he siad he thinks they're just going to kinda grow apart.. he said it happened before.. i don't know..it's just silly.. she's the ONLY one of his fam that has any problem.. his dad LOVES me.. everyone that i've met on his dads side of the family thinks i'm great and yeah, they were kinda like 'woah' when they found out, but they met me and they think i'm very kewl and they think i'm sweet and all this.. jessica invited us over for new years eve..
~i asked nathan if anyone else disapproved.. and he said no, just his mom.. and i was like 'cause it would kinda suck if everyone else was being nice to me and all this and then actually they disapproved when it came down to it' and he goes 'no, that's the side of the family that i get the whole, if i don't like you, you KNOW it thing from.. if they didn't like you, or disapproved or thought ANYTHING bad, you'd KNOW it and that's just that, there's no being fake about it..' i was glad to hear that cause so far, i LOVE his family.. they're great people and they're fun.. and they're very VERY nice.. laid back and such.. so i guess, i don't know.. i should just stick to his dad's side.. ha.. i guess dawn's(his mom) husband even likes me and thinks i'm kewl.. and by the way, bear, her husband, is like 7 and half years YOUNGER THAN HER.. bleh.. owell..
~ya know, i decided it's ok.. i told wookie this last night, cause he thinks it's a lil weird.. cause he's known nathan for YEARS.. and i was like 'ya know, i decided something wookie..' and he goes 'yeah?' and i was like 'yeah.. i decided, it's ok if you think it's a lil weird or whatever.. it's ok if you think me and nathan are strange.. ya know why? ::wookie raises eyebrows:: because 1) i will still love you as the wookie.. and 2) i don't need your fucking approval to do a damn thing in my life.. ::SMILES::" he was like 'alright then..' and just kinda smiled.. then he made a comment about how he was going to be honest, that he had just kinda wanted nathan for himself.. he's so odd.. ha i told him i didn't think he's nathan's type.. wookie is WOOKIE-ISH.. and well, nathan is just too pretty for him.. ha!! yeah, he's effin gorgeous, BTW..
~when i get paid i am buying a roll of film and going BANANAS on nathan with it.. for real >:)~ hehe
~ok, i should go.. i need to get some sleep for work tomorrow.. :)
~so remember.. go see "walk the line", RIGHT NOW.. and well, just remember to always live for yourself and make sure you're happy and you feel good about your life, cause more often than not, no matter what, no one else is going to.. do what you feel and live how want.. and be comfortable and willing enough to say, i don't need anyone's approval to find my happiness.. that's just how life should be :) c'est la vie..
i love you all!! hope you're well!!